The Past, The Present and the Future
by Ezikiel28
Summary: Peter Clifford's journey with Assumpta Fitzgerald. Still my favourite series after 20 years!


CHAPTER ONE: The Past

Peter Clifford was never confused by the fact that he was attracted to women. That had always been the case ever since he developed into a young man. As with most teenage boys, especially in his latter teens, he sometimes saw a pretty girl and his mind would wander to a place of lustful pleasure. Sometimes, he even had dreams from which he woke with damp bed sheets and a pounding heart. He was as familiar as the next man with what desire felt like.

His vocation wasn't a path that he just happened to stumble upon. Despite his youthfulness at the time, he considered every aspect of his decision and he agonised over it. When he eventually made up his mind to become an ordained Catholic priest, he knew that he would be tempted but firmly felt that he had the strength to resist temptation. He was empowered and inspired by what he wanted to achieve with his life. He wanted to help, guide and support people in what he felt was the most meaningful way possible. He wanted to serve God and the community and be the best priest possible. At the time, and for a number of content years afterwards, he didn't feel at all like he was missing out on anything at all. He had family in the sense that he was an active and meaningful part of so many families in his congregation.

The events that led him to the quaint Irish town of Ballykissangel didn't change that. Jenny Clarke's family was much like all the others in his congregation in Manchester. He was a part of her family by virtue of being their priest. He was happy with that but somewhere along the line, Peter's not quite sure when, the situation changed for Jenny. At first, she made her attraction to the young priest known in the subtlest of ways. So subtle that Peter for the most part missed her efforts to draw his attention. As time passed and Jenny's feelings and desire deepened, her portrayals of both became more pronounced. Her attention was consistent and became harder to avoid. The man in him was tempted and his mind wandered as it had in his teens but remained resolute at his core. The week before he left Manchester Jenny disclosed her feelings to him in the confessional. She described her sinful thoughts and Peter couldn't help but feel a guilty pleasure at hearing an attractive young woman describe her musings of him in such a way. By the time he left Manchester, he felt a little saddened but mostly he felt relieved. He knew the cure for temptation was to simply remove himself from the source. He thought that a stint away would do also do Jenny the world of good and once she had moved on, he would gladly come back home.

From the moment that Peter met Assumpta Fitzgerald something started to change. As he slid into her van in the pouring rain on the outskirts of Ballykissangel he looked at her and was a little taken aback to see that she was beautiful in a rare and alluring way. Her dark red hair, porcelain skin and delicate features made her look absolutely striking. He normally wouldn't notice fine details of a woman's appearance but as she glanced at him that day, he couldn't help but notice the warm tone of the brown in her eyes and the perfect cupid's bow of her top lip. She presented as a young woman with a great deal of layers and he was instantly curious about her. When he told her that he was the new curate and her attitude instantly iced over, he didn't think there was much of chance that they'd even be friends let alone close friends./p

From that day forward, the clues of Peter's changing heart started to emerge. As Assumpta drove Peter into the Wicklow mountains to administer the last rights, her lack of understanding bothered him more than it should have. He wanted her understanding and her respect. He didn't know why it mattered so much but he already knew then that it did.

The night he sought refuge in the pub as Jenny occupied his home, he knew he could trust Assumpta. As he ascended the stairs and she called out to him, asking if he was okay, he knew her intentions were good and her heart was caring. He knew she wouldn't gossip like others might.

When he substituted as the goalie for the Ballykissangel football team, he pushed himself to his limits, and it was at least in part because she was watching.

When she convinced him to talk Ambrose out of becoming a priest, he knew that the love she held for her friends was true and deep. He hoped one day she would care about him the same way she cared for Niamh and Ambrose.

When Judge Bradley joked about Assumpta being his girlfriend, he was quietly chuffed that the retired Judge thought for a moment someone as stunning and witty as Assumpta Fitzgerald would even be half interested in him.

When he saw her the day of the Ballykissangel Festival, flustered and upset on the door step of St Josephs, it was enough for him to put his own troubles on the back burner. He hadn't quite been able to muster that much selflessness for anyone else in town since Father MacAnally had told him of his impending departure. The sense of panic he felt when he returned and she was gone jolted him. As he treated the cut on her forehead the same day, he couldn't help but admire the fresh floral scent of her hair and the softness of her skin under his palms.

He stood with her and watched in amusement as Brian Quigley crowned one of Eamon's fake sheep. She turned and looked up at him where he was standing behind her. she held his gaze and smiled, her eyes dancing with the personal joke they shared. In that moment, he felt so close to her. He felt as though his ribcage was full of butterflies.

As she argued with Ambrose and Brian about Brian Quigley's Bar and Grill in Fitzgerald's immediately afterwards, he stood firmly by her side and suddenly realised that he had in fact become her close friend and ally. As he put his arms around her and shuffled her kicking and screaming form into the kitchen, he felt something and it would trouble him afterwards. He felt appreciation for her light and feminine physique. He felt almost giddy touching her but it was accompanied by something else. It was a sense of adoration for that feisty spirit for which she was so well known. It was that mix of attraction and adoration that lead him to cheat for her by gluing her glasses down. He couldn't fathom the idea of her losing her bar. He told himself it was only right because Quigley was wrong to put her in the position he did, to try and take her life and livelihood away from her.

After the publican race as she strode past him and clapped a hand on his chest in thanks, he relished her touch and her beaming smile. His mind briefly drifted to thoughts of her hands on his bare chest. For the briefest moment, he let the thought penetrate his mind before pushing them aside as he knew he must.

As he watched her dancing with Niamh and Ambrose at the wedding reception, his eyes caught hers and he knew she mattered to him a great deal. Something inside him acknowledged in that moment that the reason he wanted so desperately to stay in Ballykissangel was in some way related to her. He felt a sense of belonging with the rest of the town too, with Doc Ryan, Brendan, Siobhan and Paidrag, but it was different and more intense with her, she drew him to her like a moth to a flame.

As they sat on the steps of Kathleen's store and he read the signatures on the papers she handed to him, his eyes swam. He had to know how *she* felt about him staying and so he had simply asked. The look in her eyes was a more truthful and painful confession than any he'd ever heard in the confessional. As she walked away from him without a word, he felt confused and conflicted for the first time since he took his vows.

As he read the play Ryan's mother for the very first time, in his mind he heard Assumpta's voice as Mary and him own as Matthew. He was excited to step in as Matt when Enda hurt himself. He couldn't deny it no matter how hard he tried. As she got painfully close to him in rehearsal, that perfect cupid's bow of her top lip made his heart pound and his palms sweat. When Enda showed up on opening night and took the part back, he was embarrassed and disappointed at the same time. As he sat through the play in the audience, he couldn't immerse his mind in the play because it was occupied by mentally trying to prepare himself for what he knew was coming. When it happened, when Enda's lips met Assumpta's, he felt as though his heart start to wilt like a thirsty bloom. He got up and left when he couldn't take another moment of it. He looked up to the heavens and asked God why he felt this way. He thought about that kiss that never happened but could have, every single day.

When Peter and Assumpta looked after the infant abandoned on his doorstep, he wondered whether she would ever have children of her own. If she did he thought, they would be beautiful like her. He felt strange having her in his house but he enjoyed every minute of her company. He liked being alone with her. Later the next morning when she made a joke about spending the night with 'the priest', his mind instantly produced an image of him making love to her in the tiny single cot upstairs in his house. As he pushed the thought from his mind, he couldn't help but notice that he didn't feel the same things when he thought about Assumpta as he did when Jenny whispered suggestively to him through the confessional wall. Jenny's confession made him a little aroused there was no doubt, but he also felt ashamed and dirty. When he thought about Assumpta, he felt what could only be described as the deepest yearning in his body and his soul. It could consume him to the point that there was no room left inside him for shame.

When he heard that she was considering leaving town and she hadn't mentioned it to him, he was crushed. He couldn't and didn't want to imagine Ballykissangel without her. That's what he was trying to convey when he confronted her about her decision in her kitchen. He needed her to stay close because he could no longer have a perfect day if she wasn't in it.

As he sat with her in his car in the woods, he felt the weight of his feelings towards her perched precariously on his shoulders. He so desperately wanted to tell her that he couldn't stop thinking about her. He wanted to know how she felt. He wanted to touch her. As he reached out and grabbed her hand, resting his head on their joint fingers, he was so overwhelmed by his feelings that he could feel tears in the back of his eyes and a tightness in his throat. As she got into her van, he needed to say something. He had revealed so much. But what could he say? He pressed against her slightly and felt the warmth of her body against him. She looked up at him expectantly and he had never imagined that a human soul could feel so conflicted.

He ultimately took Father Mac's advice to go on retreat because he thought that it was the right thing to do for both of them. He owed it to the church and himself to try and renew his faith and purpose. He owed it to her to ensure that he had better control of his feelings and actions. He didn't know what this thing between them was to Assumpta but he was surprised by her reaction when he told her of his decision. Her tears left him feeling bewildered and as she hurried out of the kitchen, he wondered what decision she had made. He hadn't even left her kitchen when regret started to nip at his heels.

Upon returning to Ballykissangel, he felt refreshed and less raw but still he couldn't help the flutter in his chest at the thought of seeing her again. That moment, standing in the kitchen of Fitzgerald's when Niamh told him that Assumpta had married Leo was the most painful in his life. The pain that filled his heart at the news radiated right through him as though he heart was pumping a poisonous venom through his veins instead of the oxygen he needed to function. The only thing worse than that moment was stumbling upon the newlyweds return. In that awful moment, Peter finally admitted to himself that he was in love with Assumpta Fitzgerald and he had been for years.

As he shuffled out of the Garda's house that first night, he was confronted with the sight of Leo's expensive convertible sports car parked on the street outside Fitzgerald's and above it, the glowing halo of light from Assumpta's bedroom. Up until that day and that moment, Peter had never really thought his vows had cost him anything. If anything, he'd always felt as though his vows added to the quality and experiences in his life. Shrinking into the shadows away from the heartbreaking display before him that night, he felt as though his vows had cost him everything. Leo could offer Assumpta a life that Peter couldn't. He could drive her around in that sparkling car, while all Peter had was his old runabout and even that didn't work. He could offer her physical pleasure and a constant, loving companion. Peter now realised that *he* wanted to give Assumpta those things and anything else her heart desired.

When he stood outside St Joseph's one cool crisp night not long after Assumpta's return with Leo, he stared at the stars and tried to pray. In the past when he had found it hard to settle into prayer, fresh air had always helped him to connect with his spiritual self. This night, it was not to be. He couldn't get her out of his head. He knew she had to move on, he knew he had no right at all to be upset with her. He knew that he had made this choice not her, he's the one who stood in her kitchen and told her "emthis is it/em" and yet he still felt as though she had betrayed him. Knowing he would get nowhere with his prayer that night and giving up, he strode back into the church and rested his head on his arms before the alter. All that he could think about was what might have happened if he'd acted differently that day in Fitzgerald's kitchen as her face crumpled and the tears started to fall. What if he'd taken her in his arms and held her tight was he had wished that he could? Would it have made any difference? He asked himself whether he would have been prepared to turn his back on his life's work and ambition, just to have the right to hold her the way that Leo now could.

Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by her voice behind him. He had instantly resented her for changing his heart and mind the way that she had, for putting ideas in his head about another beautiful life that was closed off to him. For making his heart so completely conflicted. Under the guise of her women's group, he'd turned to her, a glare in his eyes and said "emyou put ideas in people's heads/em!" He didn't think she had understood, how could she? But when she'd offered to be there for him if he needed to talk and he said "empriests don't have those kinds of friends/em", he hoped that she understood his loneliness and her role in it.

When Peter returned to Manchester to be by his mother's side in her final moments, again Assumpta was a permanent fixture in his mind. It wasn't that he wasn't mindful of the situation with his mother, it was that he didn't want to find himself in his final hours someday full of regret and loneliness. He knew that he needed to decide once and for all how his future would pan out. The first step was to reassess whether the priesthood remained the right place and path for him.

Reviews would be very much appreciated! Thank you.


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